I have a friend who has been working on a labor of love for a long time
now, like multiple years long, like too long probably. He wants it to be
done right, no mistakes. Last weekend though he was surrounded by
people, many smart people, telling him that no matter how good his work
is it won’t work out for him. There is a systemic problem standing in
his way. If he gave up, no one would think bad of him. That is the rub
though, giving up sounds like a failure, like you just didn’t try hard
enough. Even though many of us do it everyday. It could be as small as
watching Law & Order reruns, because the remote is on top of the TV, and
you just sat down with a sandwich. While that is a small example, these
sorts of problems present them selves in more important ways as well. A
better example I think would be coffee. I think that best coffee is at
Blue Bottle. The closest Blue Bottle to me, at work, is like 30 minute
walk at best. Sure, it’s the best coffee and I shouldn’t settle for
anything less than awesome, right, but I choose not to go their because
it’s a huge imposition on myself, and would take away from my ability to
do my job. All this, and it would just be a huge pain in the ass. So, I
go to Starbucks, or make my own. One one hand, someone could say that I
was giving up on awesome coffee, but I think that I was just giving in
to reality of the situation. I have had my own interesting relation ship
with giving up. From a young age I have always been a procrastinator.
Few things I started got done. Many, including my own parents,
interpreted this as being lazy. While arguing once my father convinced
me that I was lazy. At the time I thought he was right, and he’s not a
bad guy for making me think that. His frustration was cause by a
personal schism. He single handedly pulled his two siblings, and him
self into adulthood, as well as into the middle class. Then worked his
way into owning a company, and successfully raised two kids in a middle
class lifestyle. This alternatingly makes him happy, and sad. At the
time he convinced me I was lazy. I am sure he was wondering how the
hell, with all the help I had, I couldn’t keep a B average, or remember
to pay parking tickets, or even just help around the house. All he saw
was a person unfit to take care of himself. He wasn’t wrong, but he
wasn’t right either. I still to this day think there were some serious
structural problems in my way. Many were caused by inherent learning
differences, and mixed with an entirely obnoxious ability to believe I
am good at anything. To me these problems are as concrete as laws. That
can’t be changed. The only thing I have ever learned to do is work with
them, and lean hard on what I do know how to do. Structural difficulties
have followed my throughout my life. One was college, when I left I was
less than 5 classes from graduating. If anyone is reading this at all,
at least one person will gasp, and say but that’s nothing. To them 5
classes is nothing, to me it’s tantamount to making a non-NASA backed
rocket ship capable of taking up one human to orbit. Yes, it’s possible,
but it’s going to take me a long, long time, and I am not sure if at the
end of it I want to be making a rocket ship any more. It was just time
for me to leave. I am happy with what I learned. I got a college
education even if I don’t have a piece of paper to tell me I do. I am
fucking proud of what I did, any other time in history I would have been
sidelined already. I would have been tracked early on in my life to be
car mechanic, which isn’t to say that being a car mechanic is bad, but I
don’t want to be car mechanic. I had two parents that fought with the
tenacity usually reserved for a prize fighter, when they couldn’t fight
for me they oiled the wheels a little. They got me so close, but their
engine was running out of gas, and so was my patients. At some point,
you need to strike out on your own. Luckily or not, Yahoo! was there
waiting. I had what it took to be at a place like Yahoo, and I had what
it took to be a good software engineer, those skills are what will keep
my employed. What makes me valuable, I think, it is my ability to solve
problems. Any problem solving I was taught in school usually was
learning how to get around some structural object, like learning how to
talk my way into full classes. Still to this day I sometimes forget to
look out for structural problems. Teachers always told I was a bad
writer. I am still not sure if I disagree with them, but no one ever
took the time to explain that just because you are bad at writing
doesn’t mean you shouldn’t write. I might have written more, but it was
beat into me that I as bad. Sometime after I left college, and before I
really started trying to join a startup, I started writing more. It
started small, on twitter, but it grew over time into blog posts. Then I
started writing tutorials, and learning about mobile web development. My
eternal optimist started thinking big, and like far to many times I got
myself into a situation where I didn’t have what it took to finish. I
got myself into a book deal, and then wanted out. It’s not because I
couldn’t do it. I had steadily produced a chapter every two weeks for 2
months or so, but it was like pulling teeth. I was getting that antsy
feeling in my stomach. Oh shit who am I going to piss off now feeling.
That, I shouldn’t have told all those people I was going to do it,
feeling. The I would rather go sit in a parking lot, and look at the
paint dry that do this, feeling. I wish my friend the best of luck, and
I know how it feel’s to give up, but I don’t want to call it that any
more. We should call it giving in, we are giving in to being better, to
spending our time doing something useful, and fulfilling. We are giving
in to not wasting opportunity. I was writing a book about a ton of stuff
I knew kinda well, and some stuff I knew pretty well. I was writing a
book about a lot of things that no one knew really well. I think that I
would rather not present myself as person who knows something I don’t.
Even if it means feeling sheepish for a while.